DEAR ABBY: After nearly 18 years of marriage, I left my wife. Our daughters were 10 and 12. We had married quickly, and only later did I realize how deeply judgmental her “born-again” beliefs were — so much so that she gradually cut off my entire side of the family. I tried for years to reason with her, to no avail, and we divorced. What I never anticipated was losing my children as well.
In the years that followed, I sent cards, letters and messages — most went unanswered. I was told, “The girls don’t want to see you,” yet I was never given the chance to hear that directly from them. Over time, I came to realize I was a victim of parental alienation — something I never would have imagined from someone who professed strong Christian values.
More than 35 years have passed since I left that marriage, and I have had no meaningful contact with my daughters since. I am not without fault, and I own my mistakes, but the pain of lost years — and lost connection — remains. I write for others who may see themselves here: Please don’t let years pass in silence. Talk. Listen. Apologize. Seek understanding before distance becomes permanent. — MR. KALAMAZOO
DEAR MR. KALAMAZOO: You have my sympathy for the years of pain and separation you’ve endured. Your story shows the importance of seeking partial custody or visitation rights as part of a divorce settlement. Your ex-wife would have had a much harder time cutting you off from your daughters if you’d had a court-mandated right to spend time with them. What’s done is done. You must allow yourself to accept it and live your life.
DEAR ABBY: I am feeling uncomfortable with what has become a steady stream of requests on social media for charitable contributions on friends’ birthdays. My husband and I carefully budget our annual charitable contributions, and we try to be as generous as possible, but we cannot possibly respond to all of these requests and still fund our own preferences.
Would it be rude to post a comment saying, “Although this is not one of our charitable priorities, we wish you a happy birthday!”? My best friend says it would be better not to respond at all, but that feels a bit rude. What do you think? — UNHAPPY BIRTHDAYS IN MONTANA
DEAR UNHAPPY: Do not state that the charity the person has chosen is low on your list of priorities. Acknowledge the occasion by posting warm wishes for the birthday to be a special one. Period.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 19 and has a job. She has had a friend since fifth grade. They went six months without talking, but now they’re friends again. My daughter offers to buy her stuff, but I feel it’s not fair of the friend to accept. She works, too, but she doesn’t have enough money for any activities other than lunch. I want to stay out of it, but it bothers me. What should I do? — PROUD MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MOM: Stay out of it. If the arrangement becomes so out of balance that it begins to bother your daughter, she will deal with it without your involvement. If she wants your advice, she’ll ask for it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned the column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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