First, there was Big and Carrie in Sex and the City, then Fleabag and the “Hot Priest” in Fleabag, and who can forget Hannah and Adam from Girls?
Each was in a “situationship” – that is, they/aren’t they, on-again/off-again complex relationship – or rather “situationship.”
Relationships therapist Amanda Lambros tells Body+Soul a situationship is a romantic or sexual connection that has regular contact and emotional intimacy, “but no clear agreement about commitment, exclusivity or future direction.”
“It differs from casual dating because casual dating is usually transparent about being low investment,” Lambros said.
“It differs from a committed relationship because there’s no shared definition, no mutual expectations, and no explicit agreement.
“The defining feature is ambiguity,” she said.
So why do we stay in them?
In short, they don’t feel bad all the time. In fact, for many, the push and pull can feel electric, intimate, and even promising.
Dating coach Matthew Hussey calls it the slot-machine effect.
“There’s something about situationships that fulfil this idea of variable rewards, like the slot-machine effect,” Hussey tells Body+Soul.
“If I win every 10th pull, it’s enough to keep me in the game.”
You might not get consistency, but you do get spikes. A deeply vulnerable conversation, a weekend that feels like a turning point, an intimate night right when you were preparing to pull back.
He said when dating feels hard and mutual attraction feels rare, the mindset becomes: “I may not find this again for a long time, so I better stick with this.”
“When you have an abundance of a scarcity mindset in people, they’re much more willing to settle for less,” Hussey said.
“That’s why there’s not just more people who are looking to play around who are seeking situationships, there are a lot more people who are willing to accept situationships.”
Ala Big and Carrie in Sex and the City, Fleabag and the “Hot Priest,” Hannah and Adam from Girls.
“Just as you’re about to leave, someone gives you just a little bit of love, a little bit of attention … and suddenly you’re pulled back in,” Hussey said.
“The really sad part is that when we go back into dating, often we can’t seem to get over that person because we have this desire to close the loop.
“We don’t want the person who is going out with us now and wants us; we want the person who didn’t want us from before, the person who wouldn’t commit,” Hussey said.
“That’s the person who we think, ‘If I can just get this person to commit, then I’ll be enough.’ And we’ll go through hell to get to that result.”
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