It’s the common question that’s an instant connection killer.
When meeting someone new, it’s not unusual to enquire about what that person does for work — but a body language expert says it’s a surefire way to get off on the wrong foot.
Vanessa Van Edwards, the author of “Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People” made the claim in an interview on The Diary of a CEO podcast, which has resurfaced after being recorded last year.
“Stop asking ‘What do you do?’” Van Edwards declared. “That is telling them their brain can stay on autopilot. Asking someone that question is really asking ‘What are you worth?’”
Because you may be subtly sizing up your new acquaintance with such a query, the expert asserted that the question is impolite.
“If someone’s not defined by what they do, it’s actually a rude question,” Van Edwards stated. “You can replace it with ‘Working on anything exciting these days?’ or ‘Working on anything exciting recently?”
She explained that such questions allow people to answer in the way they feel most comfortable, possibly opening up the conversation to create more possibilities for connection.
While most may choose to discuss their occupation, others will use the questions as opportunities to speak about an exciting hobby they are working on or a holiday they are planning.
“This is permission connection,” Van Edwards said. “You ask someone that question, you are giving them permission if they want to tell you about what they do.”
Van Edwards has also made headlines for revealing the questions you need to ask a spouse if you’re in a struggling marriage.
“Ask, ‘What’s going on? Are you OK? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.’ Because then you’re giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,” the communications maven told The Unplanned Podcast earlier this year.
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