A man has vented to an online forum, seeking advice after his wife threatened divorce if he didn’t give her a third child.
The 40-year-old explained that he and his wife, 39, had been together for many years and already had two high-school-aged children together.
“Kids are healthy, happy and in high school. My wife has decided she wants another baby and is willing to divorce over it if I refuse,” he said. “I had a vasectomy after our second because we were only ever having two.”
“How do I resolve this and save my marriage?”
He revealed that the pair are in couples counseling, but it’s only for one hour every fortnight, and they fail to make any sort of progress or agreement outside of the sessions.
The dad says he suspects this could be a midlife crisis for her, as she’s suddenly straying from what they’d previously agreed upon.
“When my youngest is done high school in four years we will be able to retire and live very comfortably without children. We have been working on that plan for 15 years, but now my wife thinks we can afford another baby and should have one.”
He concludes: “I am 100% done having kids. I love the ones I have, but I’m good.
“How do I resolve this and save my marriage?”
“Just listen to her”
Readers were torn, with many saying that they felt for the dad-of-two and his desire to stick to the original plan.
One user suggested, “Sometimes, when neither can agree, just feeling listened to is what can resolve the conflict. Find questions to ask her about why she wants this, and really listen.
“Find out what the exact need is she will be fulfilling. Feel her pain with her. You don’t have to agree. Don’t try to find other solutions yet. She might need to grieve the end of motherhood. It’s her journey, not yours. Soothe her. Hold her. Listen to her. I don’t know what her love language is, but throw that in as well.”
“Being 40ish, retired and single doesn’t sound too bad”
Then a mom who went through a similar thing shared her two cents: “I had a very intense urge to have another baby last year with my husband too. He has also had a vasectomy and is mid 40s. He had no interest in having another one at all and laughed it off at first.
“I brought it up repeatedly because it kept nagging at me and I didn’t want to have any regrets. He finally saw how important it was to me and I really, really appreciated him hearing me out and taking my desire seriously. That’s how I was able to let it go.
“Without having truly entertained the idea of what it would look like for us financially, medically, etc. I wouldn’t have been able to just let it go. It was a super strong desire…I’m guessing due to my hormones telling me it was my last good chance or something.”
Another commenter didn’t mince their words and told him he was “fully in his right to say no to another kid.”
They added: “Add the layer of needing to both reverse your vasectomy (which might not actually work) and find out if your wife is able to have another child due to very few eggs at her age. It’s not like even if you agreed it’s definitely able to happen.”
“Also, ask her if she is prepared to raise another kid for the next 18 years. If she’s 40 now and she has another child she will be raising it until she’s almost 60. There’s a big difference in energy from 40 to 60.”
Then one guy egged him on, replying, “I would say you start figuring out what to do after the divorce. Being 40ish, retired and single doesn’t sound too bad.”
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