Pucker up, my babies. On July 6th we celebrate International Kissing Day, and we’re revealing the best tongue kisser in the zodiac.
For years, scientists maintained that making out originated some 3,500 years ago in Southeast Asia.
However, recent evidence suggests that the kiss may have begun even earlier. Cuneiform script on clay tablets from ancient Mesopotamia indicates that people began rounding first base some 4,500 years ago.
Despite the site-specific finding, Dr. Sophie Lund Rasmussen of the University of Oxford believes that kissing is not so much a regional pastime that has gone mainstream as an elemental human behavior.
“Research into bonobos and chimpanzees, the closest living relatives to humans, has shown that both species engage in kissing, which may suggest that the practice of kissing is a fundamental behavior in humans, explaining why it can be found across cultures.”
French short story writer and mustachioed Leo Guy de Maupassant speaks beautifully to this cultural universal’s origin and endurance: “The kiss itself is immortal. It travels from lip to lip, century to century, from age to age. Men and women garner these kisses, offer them to others, and then die in turn.”
Sigh.
From breath to death, all signs have their merits when it comes to kissing; Aries rules the mouth and ain’t afraid to pull the trigger on impulse or intimacy.
Fixed earth, Taurus is power and patience; it takes its time and moves with deliberate decadence.
A kiss is the sole thing that silences a Gemini, while Cancers kiss like the tongue is the bridge to Terabithia. With hands in hair and a spotlight above, Leos kiss like they do in the movies.
Virgos kiss with cautious curiosity, like they’re asking for a secret, Libra like they love you, especially when they don’t.
Scorpios kiss like the mouth is a grave, Sagittarius like a getaway car. Capricorns count your teeth with their tongue to ensure you’re healthy enough to invest in. Aquarians kiss like they’re trying to solve you and thaw themselves all at once.
And Pisces?
Theirs is the kiss of true transcendence, folks.
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Natives of the realm of fantasy and dreamscapes, Pisces are the type of starry-eyed saps that have likely been practicing their kissing technique on their friends and forearms for a very, very long time, and it pays off.
As the last sign in the zodiac, Pisces lives to dissolve, be it in a bathtub, a trance state, or another person’s mouth.
As the last sign in the zodiac, Pisces lives to dissolve, be it in a bathtub, a trance state or the mouth of another person.
When you kiss a Pisces, they mean it. “Dream Weaver” seems to play through a sunken stereo system. Time ceases, and you are made aware of the divine communion that can exist between two corporeal beings.
For evidence of the power of a Pisces peck, I bring you this story from cinematic history; when filming the movie “Cleopatra,” Pisces Elizabeth Taylor and Scorpio Richard Burton, lost in each other, held their first kiss for such a disquietingly long period of time that director Joseph Mankiewicz sarcastically called out, “I’m sorry to interrupt you two…but, it’s time for lunch.”
Further proof of this Pisces superpower can be found in one of the most iconic images ever produced, Alfred Eisenstaedt’s “V-J Day in Times Square.”
The photograph captures a passionate, time-outside-of-time kiss between Greta Zimmer Friedman, a swooning dental assistant, and a U.S. Navy Sailor named George Mendonsa.
What is the sign of the initiating sailor, you ask? Pisces, of course.
My favorite meditation on making out comes courtesy of Pisces poet (as redundant a descriptor as you are ever likely to read) Saul Williams, who asks, “Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you.”
He continues, “Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again — the first kiss of the rest of your life.”
“Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis.”
Saul Williams
A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world’s greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding.”
Here’s hoping you win by losing yourself in your next kiss.
Whether with a stranger, a Pisces, a pet, the bathroom mirror, or the one you’re with, may it be a pure transcendental metaphor.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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