Women may be able to become mothers at older ages these days — whether through biological pregnancy or surrogacy — but that still doesn’t mean it’s the easiest road.
Take it from Pam Andras, a now 59-year-old New York-based interior designer, wife and mother of three who recently opened up publicly about her guilt at how “hellishly hard” it was to become a third-time “geriatric” mom at the age of 54 through surrogacy — a struggle that later led her to develop a drinking problem.
“The fact that I did not instantly bond with a son I didn’t carry felt like the ultimate taboo,” Andras told Susanna Galton of The Telegraph. “I was so consumed by guilt and shame, along with a lot of resentment towards my poor husband, that along the way I picked up a nasty wine habit that needed to be kicked.”
Andras went on to tell the story of how she first met her now-husband Marc (and father of her two youngest children) in her mid-30s while working at Florida State University, where Marc was a decade-younger graduate student.
Though she’d initially decided she was done having children by this point — having already had a daughter when she was 18 with her first husband, whom she’d divorced in her early 20s — she changed her mind after Marc proposed on her 36th birthday, agreeing to try for another baby to contribute to the “football team” of children he’d always wanted.
Andras recalled how “getting pregnant wasn’t the issue; staying pregnant was” — disclosing that between the ages of 36 and 40, she endured 10 miscarriages. Following an open-heart surgery (which doctors had recommended after diagnosing her with a heart defect that caused her body to reject embryos) and three rounds of IVF, she had a donor egg implanted at the age of 45.
While her subsequent pregnancy was “horrific — nausea every day, bleeding at 28 weeks, then a life-threatening hemorrhage requiring a blood transfusion,” her second son Micah (now 12-years-old) was born healthy. The couple were “besotted” by their miracle.
When Marc started asking his wife for one more child (since they had one last frozen embryo) when Micah was around three, she nearly put her foot down, arguing that with her nearing 50 at that point, “it wouldn’t be fair on the child.”
But when her husband countered that their then-youngest should have a sibling so “they have each other when we are gone,” she ultimately agreed.
Since Andras’ doctor had ruled out another natural pregnancy, the couple found a surrogate. But after she became unavailable due to a delay in their plans once Andras’ mother fell sick, her niece volunteered for the role, getting pregnant with the pair’s baby in 2021 — which is when Andras was dismayed to realize she felt “more dread than excitement.”
“I felt trapped in something I had agreed to for my husband’s sake,” Andras recalled to The Telegraph. “Sitting opposite my youthful niece — feeling past it, while she swelled with new life — made me strangely dissociate from my family. The one benefit of not being pregnant, I’d drily laugh while pouring myself a mimosa, was still being able to have alcohol.”
Though Andras “prayed that (her) maternal instinct would kick in” when her youngest son Lucah came in October 2021, she admitted to Galton of The Telegraph that it didn’t. While she was quick to add that she “utterly worship(s)” her son now, she remembered being angry at her husband for years following the birth, and that “the more he delighted in fatherhood, the more lonely and desperately ashamed I felt.” The drinking also continued, ever-so-gradually increasing.
While Andras and Marc went for couple’s therapy in an attempt to resolve their marital issues, it wasn’t until her now-deceased mother pointed out she’d developed a drinking problem — and a night-scroll through Facebook that led her to come across a sober support group called “Just the Tonic” — that prompted a seismic personal shift.
“Exhausted and depressed, I knew I couldn’t live my life like this anymore,” said Andras. “I wanted to change — not just for me, but for my children and for Marc…I signed up to join the group that night, promising myself one sober year before making any decisions about my marriage or my life.”
And the change did occur — “albeit, slowly,” said Andras, adding that as her sleep improved and her brain fog lifted, “all my pent-up anger and frustration started to soften.”
After officially quitting drinking for good on February 29, 2024, these days, Andras finds herself, her marriage and her relationship with her third son in a much better place — advising other women in similar positions to “tell the truth sooner.”
“Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that even those glossy celebrities are finding it as easy as they make it seem,” Andras said.
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