Something smells rotten in the state of New York.
And if you’re roaming the streets during yet another heatwave without deodorant, or wearing its useless idiot brother, “natural” antiperspirant, it’s probably you.
As the five boroughs turn into accidental hot yoga studios and Con Edison sends vaguely threatening texts about possible brownouts (helpful!), Gothamites aren’t just sweating the small stuff. We’re sweating all the damn time.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that — despite summer’s annual Sephora-phobia around shiny foreheads and sticky hair.
The Cleveland Clinic calls perspiration “the body’s natural cooling system,” helping us travel, sleep, and exercise without overheating. Nobody should be ashamed of a little glisten.
The big problem is when sweat comes with smells last produced by “Top Chef’s” losing dishes — after sitting in the trash bin for two days.
When that unholy scent invades your subway car with the force of Sauron’s drooly trolls, we have more than a problem. We have a major violation of Big Apple etiquette.
Thinking your body has the right to stink up public spaces literally reeks of entitlement.
Like manspreading across three F train seats during rush hour traffic or blocking a walk-up with your bike, smelling like a rotting rat does not make you a rank-and-file New Yorker — it just makes you rank.
This isn’t merely some Larry David-level griping, although “Curb your B.O.” would be a pretty good name for a public health campaign.
Hygiene is a personal health issue, but it can also affect the mental health of those around you.
A 2022 study from Japanese scientists found that when people were exposed to foul body odors caused by environmental or social stress, they began feeling their own sense of doom and despair.
Now imagine that sense magnified by the actual doom and despair of being crammed on a PATH train during rush hour, all while experiencing a true assault on your senses.
Sure, some people have an excuse, like the poor New Jersey commuter who patiently told The Post how perimenopause changed her relationship with her underarms. If you’re dealing with a medical issue, or simply cannot afford a stick of deodorant in this economy, or other staples of daily life, this isn’t about you.
Likewise, if your building frequently runs out of water because you have a slumlord instead of a landlord, this is also not about you.
But if it’s merely a personal choice, or even a remnant of your past pre-city life, knock it off and roll it on.
Part of being a good New Yorker is adjusting to how things work here. We all smash in together on subways and crosstown busses that crawl at approximately .5 miles per hour. We pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of squashing into tiny, nearly overlapping seats in our Broadway theaters. We need to manage our sweat like it’s our job.
Go to Duane Reade and spend $5 — it’s the right thing to do.
Worried that deodorant is poison? The American Cancer Society debunked that theory over a decade ago.
Better still, for you chemical-phobes out there, or the smug types mumbling about your “essence,” scientists say that if you really can’t stand a swipe of Degree, daily bathing works wonders.
So does a light dusting of baking soda (79 cents a box — even in most overpriced NYC supermarkets), as do the time-tested, aluminum-free formulas sold by brands like Secret or Dove, or the trendy Native.
All of these are available at Target for as little as $8 — or two slices of pizza at most slice shops.
So go ahead and sweat it out this summer — but please, do your part to make sure the city that never sleeps doesn’t turn into the city where everyone reeks.
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