They’re not gay — they’re “gray.”
A surprising number of people are choosing to identify as “graysexual,” with many now sharing the moment they realized they were “gray.”
Graysexuality exists in what many describe as a “gray area” between being allosexual – experiencing regular sexual attraction — and asexual — experiencing none. Those who identify as graysexual may feel sexual attraction rarely, inconsistently, or only under specific circumstances.
Reddit users are posting in the r/Graysexuality subreddit — a growing online community of over 8,300 members — about their experiences dating and being intimate.
In one post, user @The_Archer2121 explained that they had spent much of their life assuming they were just a “late bloomer.” Crushes came “decades apart,” rarely lasted long, and they often didn’t feel sexual attraction — even to their own boyfriend.
As Dan Beeson, a graysexual man from London, told Cosmopolitan UK, “Graysexual… is not ‘I just don’t fancy it tonight’. For me, it’s being completely devoid of sexual desire in bouts, which can last months, and then one day waking up and realising that instinct has returned.”
“I’d been aware my drive for sex wasn’t as regular as others, but I just put it down to my own relationship with sex. That may still be true, but finding out others were having similar feelings and there was at least a community of some number of us was reassuring,” he added.
Others online chimed in with similar stories.
One user said they only ever felt “true” sexual attraction once in their life, explaining, “When I see someone attractive, I don’t have that ‘I’d hit that’ internal feeling. I just want to be near them.”
Another recalled being pressured to experiment with sex in college, confused about why their peers seemed to experience desire so intensely and frequently. “Ended up getting married (not a good life choice), and things didn’t go well in the sexual department.”
“I was constantly ridiculed and pressured into doing things that I didn’t want to do.”
That mismatch in sexual expectations eventually led the person to discover graysexuality through online communities.
One person wrote that their attraction would “turn on” only every few months, making them flip-flop between identifying as allosexual and asexual, until they found graysexuality — and a sense of peace.
Interest in graysexuality is growing rapidly — especially with Gen Z.
On platforms like TikTok and YouTube, videos exploring the term are gaining thousands of views. Creators like podcaster Mark (@notdefining) have helped bring nuance to the identity, describing it as “a bit of sexual attraction… but to a low degree.”
Many assume that graysexual people don’t want romantic relationships or are simply repressed. But as psychotherapist Jane Czyzselska explains, “It can be hard in both queer and wider culture to confidently own a sexuality that acknowledges desire differently.”
She encourages those exploring the label to reflect on what contexts spark or suppress desire, and to trust their own changing boundaries. “No one should tell you who you should be or who you are,” she says.
The term graysexual first appeared on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) in 2006 and has since become an important identity for those who never quite fit into the binary of sexual or asexual. Some people who identify as graysexual may also relate to terms like demisexual — sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond — queer, or pansexual.
As one Reddit user summed it up: “I was so repressed in this regard out of pure confusion… It was such a relief to finally have a word for how I feel.”
The rise of identities like graysexuality comes amid what researchers are calling a “sex recession” — with younger generations reporting fewer sexual partners and less interest in sex overall.
But rather than a simple lack of desire, experts like writer Carter Sherman argue it’s more nuanced, involving social media pressure, body image issues, and political anxieties.
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