DEAR ABBY: I am a senior man living next door to a slightly older woman. We live in lakefront homes and enjoy being active together in the water during our retirement years. Recently, I was looking out the window and saw an alligator swimming by about 50 yards away. Alligators are almost unknown in our part of the lake, but they are known to live in the area.
Should I tell my neighbor that I saw an alligator, which will cause her so much fear that she may never want to swim again? If she does continue to swim, will she dwell so heavily on the danger that I will have ruined any remaining joy she gets from being in the water? On the other hand, if I don’t tell her, she could be placing herself in danger. Obviously, I would miss my friend and feel terrible if anything happened to her. Please advise. — VIGILANT IN TEXAS
DEAR VIGILANT: Which is more important? Your neighbor’s life or her swimming? If you don’t warn her about what you saw, and she loses a toe, a foot, an arm or her life, how will you feel then? Please … speak up!
P.S. Do YOU plan to continue swimming where there are alligators? Think! YOU could be bitten, too.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 56 years. For the past year or so, we quarrel about everything — major issues and minor, insignificant things. There is nothing but bickering, disagreement and conflict. We can have a couple of good days and then fight over some small issue, or an innocent response or comment from one of us — and in seconds, we’re arguing.
Several major issues are instant triggers, but there’s also resentment, hurt feelings, and awful things we’ve said to each other. I think we still love each other, but I don’t think we like each other very much.
We both feel a mediator is what we need, someone to hear both sides and make a judgment as to whose position is more valid. We have tried to find one — not a therapist or marriage counselor. We’ve done some research only to find therapists who specialize in drug addiction, young couples and dysfunctional families, and they are all younger than our grown children.
We need someone who is at least 55, experienced and trained to listen to both sides of an issue, and who can be objective without actually taking sides and give us a solution or opinion on how we can work through the issues amicably. How do we go about this? — TRYING TO FIX IT IN THE WEST
DEAR TRYING: I admire that you two are trying to resolve your marital difficulties, and that you recognize that you need help. What you need is a marriage and family therapist. Ask your doctor to refer you to some who are licensed and preferably older. Interview several and see which one you and your husband are comfortable talking to. The input you are looking for is within their purview, particularly because you are looking for compromise.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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