DEAR ABBY: My close friend “Annie” came to my father’s funeral. She had met him only a couple of times. While I realized she was doing it to be there for me, I felt responsible for her since she knew no one there.
I had her sit with me, but I was trying to deal with friends and family I hadn’t seen in a long time. I ended up unable to talk with everyone as the funeral was very emotional. I appreciated her coming, but I wished she hadn’t been there.
I prefer to avoid funerals because I become emotional. Unless it’s immediate family, I prefer to remember the deceased the way they were and keep those images as my last memories.
My dilemma: Annie’s mom is having health issues, and the time will come when she passes. I have met her a few times, but we are not close. I feel I should go to the funeral to be there for Annie, as she was for me, but I would prefer to remember her mom as she was.
So, do I go for her sake and end up an emotional wreck, or get together with her a few days later, just the two of us, which is what I wish she had done for me? — SAD EITHER WAY IN THE EAST
DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. I can only imagine how emotional you and your family must have been at that funeral. Annie meant to be supportive, and I don’t think it would be helpful to point out that her presence distracted you from talking with the many relatives who had gathered.
I do think you need to ask Annie those questions. (“Do you need me to be present for emotional support at your mother’s services, or would you prefer we get together — just the two of us — a few days later?”)
They are important. Take your cues from her reaction, but be prepared for the fact that when it actually happens, her feelings may be different.
DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old daughter, “Emma,” has a group of six to eight friends she has played with at school, in scouts, parties, etc., for more than three years. Eight months ago, one of the girls, “Charlotte,” had a sleepover, and Emma was not invited.
She was very hurt and cried. I told her she would not always be invited to everything, and maybe there was a limit Charlotte could invite.
Since then, whenever there is an event that Emma knows Charlotte will be at, my daughter refuses to go. For eight months, she has purposely skipped some parties and scouting events. Otherwise, they all seem to still hang together at school. How can I help my daughter understand she is only hurting herself? — EMPATHETIC MOM IN OHIO
DEAR MOM: It is time your daughter was taught that she doesn’t have to “like” everyone she socializes with — however, she may need to get along with them.
If she can absorb that lesson, it will benefit her as she goes through school and beyond. Tell Emma you hate seeing her punish herself, thinking it will hurt Charlotte, when Charlotte may not notice her absence at all.
Although Emma is just 11, the time has come for her to do some growing up.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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