DEAR ABBY: Seven months ago, my son filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years. Three months ago, he introduced us to “Carlene.” Abby, the woman has five children with three different men and is currently married to her second husband. (She filed for divorce two months ago.) She has custody of only two of her children.
Since Carlene entered the picture, my son has been drinking again and doing drugs. He has been fired from his job after 17 years. I have no desire to invite Carlene into my home or my heart. Please advise me about how I can let my son know that I believe she’s his downfall, and I don’t want any kind of relationship with her or her nasty, disrespectful brats. — DECISIVE IN THE EAST
DEAR DECISIVE: You can’t control your adult son. Do not proclaim to him that Carlene is his downfall and you want nothing to do with her nasty, disrespectful brats. Instead, simply become less and less available. Your behavior will send a message, provided your son sobers up enough to recognize it.
P.S. Although you didn’t specifically mention that Carlene is a substance abuser, I am assuming that, whatever your formerly clean son is doing, he and his girlfriend are doing it together. Please don’t blame those kids for their bad behavior, which was never corrected by their mother. None of this is their fault.
DEAR ABBY: My 71-year-old sister is a hoarder. She has always been disorganized and constantly runs late. She was diagnosed many years ago with ADHD. Her home is full of unfinished “projects” and things she intends to recycle.
Family members, myself included, refuse to go inside her home and would likely be turned away if we did show up. A distinct odor clings to her clothes and lingers in my car and house several hours after she has left. Her home is a health hazard. I worry she’ll trip over the piles of junk and stacks of boxes.
At what point is it my business to intervene? The approach I’ve always taken is that it’s her life, her home and if that’s the way she chooses to live, that’s her business. I wouldn’t want her or anyone else telling me how to live in my home. Should I continue to mind my own business, or gently approach the subject? She’s single and has no kids. I’m the only family she has, and I’m afraid that when she passes, I’ll have a house full of junk to deal with. — BURDENED IN INDIANA
DEAR BURDENED: The point at which you should intervene is when you feel her home has become a health hazard, which you stated in your letter. Hoarding is a form of mental illness. Medication can sometimes help, but only if the hoarder is willing to admit there is a problem.
Rather than get into an argument with your sister over this, it might be better to contact the health department in your city or county and report your concerns. Someone from there can check if your sister’s hoarding has become dangerous to her health or well-being.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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