DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits’ end with “Barney,” my husband of 35 years. He retired two years ago, but I am still working and likely will for several more years. I’ve worked from home successfully since long before the COVID-19 pandemic, which was fine while Barney was working. When he retired, I talked to him about respecting boundaries during the day while I work. My home office is on the second floor of the house, which leaves him the entire downstairs to enjoy without disrupting me during work hours.
Unfortunately, Barney has not shown me the respect I asked for. He frequently yells upstairs for me to come help him with something, or he comes into the office and wants to talk. He wants to know what’s for dinner, and he gets upset if I’m not done working at exactly 5 p.m. He also gets upset with me if I won’t let him caress and hold me while I’m trying to work. When he worked, he often stayed late and went in after hours or on weekends. I never complained or showed him the disrespect he is showing me.
For a while, I tried to give Barney more attention because I do love him. Now, his constant complaining is so annoying that I don’t even want to spend my free time with him. I am certainly not interested in any physical expressions of love. I’ve tried to discuss this with him and even asked if he’d consider going to couples counseling, but he refuses.
I’m a happy woman except when I’m with my husband. That makes me sad, and I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve thought about renting office space, but that would only solve the disruption issues during my workday. It wouldn’t solve the other issues, notably Barney’s lack of respect for me. — GIVE ME SPACE
DEAR GIVE ME SPACE: A partial solution is better than no solution. Go ahead and rent the office space. It will be helpful to learn how much of the pressure that relieves. Once your work frustrations are out of the picture, reassess Barney’s treatment of you and decide how much relationship adjustment is still needed. Even if he refuses counseling, go by yourself! If you do, you may learn some techniques for dealing with his troublesome behaviors.
DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old niece has lived in my sister’s basement for five years now. She has had many ups and downs since running away at 15, but she was able to get a degree in engineering, fly helicopters, etc., so she is intelligent. I don’t know why she has withdrawn to such a degree.
Should I ask my sister or brother-in-law how she is doing when I call? I feel it’s normal and natural that I ask, but the question always brings a painful silence followed by, “She’s figuring out her life.” She does not work or look for it, hides from the public, and behaves like a 16-year-old. Should I quit asking? — UNCLE IN THE DARK
DEAR UNCLE: If you do not ask how your niece is doing, it will appear that you do not care. So, the next time you speak to your relatives and your question is met with an uncomfortable pause, consider asking whether they would rather you not ask.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned the column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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