DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in more than 25 years. We went to dinner the following week. The dinner lasted three hours. Abby, she talked the entire time! It was a mix of grandiose stories, complaints about her health, complaints about her relationships and an attempt to make me feel guilty for not contacting her sooner. I tried to excuse it, telling myself, “It’s been decades; of course she has a lot to say.”
Every subsequent interaction followed the same pattern, with an expectation of far more of my time and energy than I was comfortable giving. At one point, she even sprinkled in a little condescension about my political leaning. I started feeling anxious before seeing her and drained afterward.
Over a year ago, I decided to take a step back. I told her I’d reach out when I felt up to socializing again, and I haven’t contacted her since. Despite that, she’s continued to call and text. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I have no interest in the friendship. At the same time, continuing to ignore her feels unkind. I know this will hurt her, but what’s the most honest (and least painful) way to tell her I don’t want further contact? — GHOSTING HER ISN’T WORKING
DEAR GHOSTING: Unless you want to fully commit to the ghosting strategy by blocking this woman’s number, stop avoiding her calls and texts. Decline her next invitation by telling her you are trying to focus on other parts of your life right now. That’s the truth. If she persists, tell her getting together isn’t feasible right now and you prefer that she let you initiate contact in the future. If she still doesn’t get the message, blocking her is your only option.
DEAR ABBY: I have a young neighbor who is interested in social causes. She advocates stopping animal abuse, has run the race against breast cancer and volunteers to feed the homeless. I enjoy talking to her because she’s so passionate about these causes.
She has told me she feels alienated from her schoolmates, who don’t like her “constant preaching.” Even her mother has told her she should “slow down and enjoy being a teenager.” The girl has told me I’m the only one who understands her. This is uncomfortable because she should be able to confide in her mother. Her mom should be proud of her for not engaging in the harmful behavior some teens do. The girl is lonely at school, and I don’t know what to tell her. Have you any ideas? — SUPPORTIVE NEIGHBOR IN OHIO
DEAR SUPPORTIVE NEIGHBOR: Feeling some sense of alienation is part of being a teenager. I don’t think the girl’s mother suggesting she slow down and enjoy being a teen is a criticism, and you shouldn’t assume that the woman isn’t proud of her daughter.
Sometimes people — not just teenagers — need someone in their lives who is willing to listen and offer praise. Because the girl relates well to you, continue to fill that role. However, if her “constant preaching” is alienating her schoolmates, it couldn’t hurt to suggest that no one ever learned anything by talking — she should also do some listening. It’s good advice, and it applies to situations other than high school.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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