DEAR ABBY: I’ve been employed at the same company for 17 years. I’m the youngest person in the department, and I love my job and the people I work with. One co-worker I used to be close to has a son the same age as mine, and they did sports together and went to each other’s birthday parties. I would invite her over to relax by the pool while our kids played.
In recent years, that has changed. Her attitude toward me is different, and I don’t know why. Every chance she gets, she undermines me at work. She doesn’t communicate but rather makes assumptions and tattles to our supervisor and boss. She has purposely left me out in emails when we would chip in for a card and money for our supervisor’s gift for Christmas. Any mistake I make, she emails our boss and supervisor about it instead of coming to me.
I’ve had a meeting with her and my supervisor and boss, but she used it to undermine me on other job duties she had no experience in. She has also said nasty things about me to her son, who repeated them to my son at school. I’m at my wits’ end here. Please tell me how to handle this. — DEFEATED CO-WORKER
DEAR DEFEATED: It is one thing when a relationship is based on having kids the same age with similar interests. As the children grow older, the ties that bind those friendships can loosen. But what you have written to me is different. Your former friend seems to have it in for you — and appears determined to get you fired. This is why you should document every single dirty deed she has pulled, present it to your boss and tell him (or her) that this has been creating a hostile work environment, and you hope it can be stopped. (If it can’t be stopped, talk about this to an attorney.)
DEAR ABBY: I’m 23 and have been with my boyfriend for six years. We currently live with his parents. A year ago, I cheated on him, but I told him about it a few months ago. We’ve been trying to rebuild our relationship, but it’s hard. I have spent more than $1,000 on therapy, and I don’t know what else to do. He says he needs time to heal, but it has been six months, and he no longer even calls me “Love.” We have been going to church together, and he says he has hope for us.
I don’t have any family where I live, and it’s too expensive to move out on my own and start over. I’m finishing school here. My goal is to move to North Carolina, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon, because he’s committed to staying here for law school. I love him, but I feel so alone and don’t know what to do. I want to get married and have kids soon, but I don’t want to start over or cause more hurt. What would you do? — CHEATER IN FLORIDA
DEAR CHEATER: It’s time for you to move out so you can separate your feelings of dependence and affection. You wounded your boyfriend deeply, and that wound is not going to heal if you continue to pressure him. It’s up to him now to decide whether to forgive you, but you need to give him the space to make that decision. Because you want to have children “soon,” the reality is that you will have to “start over” either way, whether with him or someone else.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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