DEAR ABBY: I’m a gay man who has been married to a wonderful man for seven years (together for 12). Throughout our relationship, my husband has struggled with religious trauma that affects his desire (and ability) to be intimate. We’ve seen counselors, talked through it and addressed the value we place on physical intimacy. Nothing has changed.
I love him, but I remain unsatisfied with my needs unmet. This, combined with other things — including limited acceptance from his family and from many of those who live in our geographic area — has led me to push aside many of the issues in our marriage as “no big deal.” Until now.
Two years ago, I started working on a degree with the hope of becoming more self-sufficient and pursuing a career to support my interests. Now that I’ve graduated and am establishing my career, I find my and my husband’s values and goals line up even less. I have also met another man who seems to be more aligned with what I’m looking for in my life, and who has expressed interest.
While I don’t want to end my marriage over such a new relationship, the feelings it has brought to light have illustrated how far apart my husband and I have been — and for how long. I’m torn between remaining in a marriage that, despite its issues, has helped me find some happiness, and parting ways after more than a decade together to pursue what I feel is best for me.
Is this just the seven-year itch, or are these issues enough to part ways? I’m struggling and could use some insight. — CROSSROADS IN IDAHO
DEAR CROSSROADS: It’s time for a long talk with your husband about all of the issues you have written about in your letter — the sexual incompatibility, the family problems, the fact that you are no longer happy living in the geographic area because of attitudes about homosexuality, and finally the fact that you have met someone.
The two of you have a lot going against you, but you should not end the marriage without first communicating that things have not been happy for a very long time and why.
DEAR ABBY: At work today, a colleague published a report and disseminated it to my entire organization. In the report, they specifically referenced and highlighted a typo I had made in a previous product. Their comments hurt my reputation and could have been cleared up with a simple phone call. Am I wrong to be upset? — HURT IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR HURT: For your colleague to have done what they did was unhelpful and unprofessional. I agree that the matter should have been handled privately. I don’t blame you for being upset, and I don’t blame you for feeling embarrassed. That said, it was only one typo.
Although computer spell check is quite reliable, nothing is absolutely foolproof. The next time you create a document for publication, ask someone to proofread it before you hit “send.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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