DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 12 years, and we were together five years before getting married. He’s an alcoholic who has been sober for several years, but he wants to argue about everything. He has anger issues, possibly because he was in the military. His health is bad, too.
I have reached a breaking point and am thinking about divorce because of the way he treats me, my kids and grandkids — except for my son, who he is scared of. He also bad-mouths my son’s wife. He gets mad because I watch my granddaughter three days a week while her mother works, and sometimes I have both girls.
My daughter-in-law is an awesome person who does anything for anyone. She’s in the Army Reserves and works full time. She put herself through school and is a social worker as well as a full-time mom! My son is a truck driver, so he’s gone all week. I try to help them out as much as I possibly can. I’m not giving up on my kids and grandkids. Am I wrong for putting them first? What can I do? — DOING MY PART IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR DOING: Your husband appears to be what is known as a “dry drunk.” That’s an alcoholic who managed to quit drinking, but never dealt with the issues that drove him to drink in the first place. He is also an abuser.
You are not wrong for wanting a life free of hostility and verbal abuse. You are also not wrong for wanting to protect your family from the poison he spews. Because you can’t make this man change who he is, talk to a family law attorney and set yourself free.
DEAR ABBY: A group of 10 couples have been friends since meeting in college. Seven of the couples have been married for more than 25 years, and three of the couples have, over the last decade, divorced. The issue is that one man has remarried (his ex is no longer in touch with any of the group). His new wife is demanding and self-centered, with clear narcissistic traits. We love the husband dearly but not his new wife.
We are planning a once-in-a-lifetime cruise, and nobody wants her on the ship. We know from past experience that she will ruin the trip. How do we tell the husband that they are not invited, and who should deliver the message? We don’t want to end the relationship, but frankly, she cannot go. — TRAVEL TROUBLES
DEAR TRAVEL TROUBLES: No matter how you approach him, know that you run a real risk of alienating your friend if he is forced to choose between his wife and this friend group. If it’s not worth the risk, the group will have to grin and bear her presence with as much grace as can be mustered.
If you are sure you want to exclude them both, you owe him an explanation. The person closest to him should meet up with him privately and deliver the news. Remind him of the “past experience” where his wife ruined a previous trip. Be specific about what behaviors bothered the rest of the group, and tell him no one is willing to travel with her again.
You might, however, consider extending him a solo invitation. It’s possible he could use some time away from his charming wife!
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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