DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, “Maron,” who is 65 and divorced from her husband, who had been extremely verbally abusive. Her adult son has a daughter by a former partner who had no interest in the girl. The girl, “Lizzie,” is living with her father (Maron’s son) in his father’s home.
Maron has taken an active interest in her grandchild and spends a lot of time with her. Maron drives Lizzie to preschool even though it is an hour away from her and only a few minutes from her ex-husband’s home.
Recently, Maron’s ex has been pressuring her to move back in with him. He says Lizzie needs a consistent female presence. However, he also accuses her of being selfish, thus perpetuating his verbal abuse. What should she do? — IN THE MIDDLE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Unless Maron wants to escape the fire only to jump back into the frying pan, she should maintain her separate residence. Because her ex’s verbal abuse was so bad she left the marriage, she should not allow herself to be guilted into allowing more of it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 50 years sits in his chair for hours at a time making online purchases he thinks are a necessity or just plain intriguing. We get two or three packages a day, which usually consist of “Buy two and get a third one free” — fruit corers, citrus squeezers, air fresheners, car-washing supplies, cellphone holders, etc.
What’s frustrating is that we already have the perfectly functional items he’s purchased. Most of the time they get pushed aside and not used. He also buys food items that are on a repeat subscription, filling our pantry with so much overflow that we must throw away perfectly good food to make room for the newest items.
These purchases go on his credit card and amount to more than $2,000 per month. My career supported us financially, so my husband didn’t have to work, but he was busy with the family in many other ways. Now that I’m retired and no longer have an income, I look at the financial drain his compulsive online shopping has been causing.
We cordially and sometimes humorously discuss his obsession, and he promises to abstain, but the next week, 15 more unnecessary items are delivered. What can I do to avoid being buried under junk in my own home? — COVERED IN IT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR COVERED: You have identified what your problem is: compulsive spending. Now that you are retired, I’m sure the money your husband has been blowing could be put to better use. For some people, compulsive shopping and overspending can become an addiction. Your husband may be one of those; others find the dopamine rush helps with depression.
The next time you and your husband discuss his online activities, tell him a 12-step organization called Spenders Anonymous helps people overcome this problem. You can learn more online at spenders.org.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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