DEAR ABBY: My brother has found love again. His first wife passed away from cancer two years ago. He is getting married in two months. We were never super close but have always been civil to each other and spent an hour or two with each other during holiday meals or birthdays.
Our mother is 89 and lives at his home in an added-on apartment. She’s our common denominator. Because my brother is quick-tempered and short with me (and others), I’m afraid that after Mom is gone, he will have no use for me and I’ll never see him again.
I sent him an email stating my fear, and his reply was shocking. He said he didn’t like my facial expressions. He also said he doesn’t like my mannerisms and feels nothing I say is genuine, but very fake. He also told me he wasn’t alone in those thoughts. I felt like he had stuck a knife through my heart. He said he wished he had a video of me so I could see how fake I was. I cried and got physically ill.
I am so embarrassed that he and others see me that way that I have decided not to go to his wedding. I cannot be in a room full of people who have made these judgments about my integrity. Am I making the right choice? Should I go for my mother’s sake? — STUNNED AND EMBARRASSED
DEAR STUNNED: Your brother may have found love again, but he has some real problems. That he would speak to you that way was cruel and deliberately hurtful. Could he have some unresolved sibling rivalry? If that’s the case, you cannot fix it for him.
Under the circumstances, not wanting to attend that wedding is understandable. However, just because your brother says something does not make it true. They may be his feelings, but he doesn’t have the right to speak for all your other relatives. That is why I hope you will maintain your relationships with the rest of the family and not allow him to drive you away.
DEAR ABBY: My mother comes over to visit every single evening at 7:30. She knows that I must be up early and leave the house at 5:30 a.m. to go to work. I have dropped numerous hints, but she’s oblivious. This causes a lot of stress in my marriage. My partner thinks it’s ridiculous to visit someone at 7:30 every night, especially since I have two kids who need rides home from practices in the evenings. Please help. — AT WITS’ END
DEAR WITS’ END: Because you have already tried talking to your mother about this but she doesn’t get the message, enlist the help of your partner and talk to her together. When you do, establish a realistic schedule for her visits — two days a week, perhaps — and how long they will last. Then, when the time is up, escort her to the door.
Your mother may do this because she has no life of her own. If that’s a contributing factor, start researching groups of seniors she might join for activities other than visiting her daughter every night. If you do, it may vastly improve the quality of her life and the lives of those in your household.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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