DEAR ABBY: I have fallen out with my best friend of 20 years, and I’m not sure how to proceed. A few years ago, she started a new job and became too busy for chats or to catch up. However, whenever we do manage to chat or catch up, she wades in with advice and suggestions about what I “need” to do to improve my situation.
I’m recently separated from a marriage of 20 years, and I’m trying to keep things even for my two teenage children. I became increasingly frustrated by how inappropriate her suggestions were and eventually lost my temper. I told her to stop making suggestions as they weren’t helpful, and that she was too removed from my life. This was three months ago, and since then, she has ceased all contact and didn’t reply to my apology for losing my temper. She said no one has ever hurt her the way I hurt her.
She has now emailed me asking to meet when she’s less busy, saying she’s still very hurt but she misses me. I miss her too, but at the same time, I don’t miss the stupid suggestions. She’s godmother to one of my children (she has had no contact with her since this happened, even missing her birthday). How should I handle this? I am very hurt at how she deserted me at a time when I needed people around me while going through a painful separation. — DESERTED IN DUBLIN, IRELAND
DEAR DESERTED: Emotions are raw and folks are rarely at their best when going through a divorce. At the same time, your friend appears to be stressed because of her work schedule. Since your separation, you are looking for more emotional support and contact than she is now able to give you. She, too, was hurt when you — with no filter — rejected her attempts to be helpful. You did the right thing to apologize. Be glad there is a thaw on the horizon because, with time, things may improve if you can tactfully communicate what you need and do not need from her.
DEAR ABBY: We just moved back to Southern California and into a gated community. My neighbor’s property is higher than mine, and she has a spiky, thorny hedge that’s growing over into my property and staining the side of my house. I went over and introduced myself, wanting to discuss the issue. My neighbor’s reply was, “That’s YOUR hedge!” The next thing I know, she has a person trim it and throw all of the clippings into my backyard for me to clean up. How do I deal with a neighbor like this? — THORNY RELATIONSHIP
DEAR THORNY: Contact the homeowner’s association and describe what has been going on. Your neighbor may be violating the covenants, conditions and restrictions (CC&Rs). (There may be fines for this.) It is important that you establish where your property line ends and hers begins. If the plant really is on your land, you may have the right to remove it entirely.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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