DEAR ABBY: My mom died of extreme old age recently. She was a sweet woman everyone loved. I sent invitations to her memorial, and I’m getting a lot of excuses for why my friends can’t attend. I am upset.
In my circle of friends (all similar ages), I was the last to graduate, get a career job, start a relationship, buy a house, be married, and so forth. I’ve attended my friends’ graduations, weddings, baby showers, milestone birthdays, and family funerals, yet there hasn’t been much reciprocation.
Excuses for not attending Mom’s memorial included going to a grandkid’s soccer game and attending a 2-year-old’s birthday party. Really? I know I’m dealing with unusually strong emotions due to Mom’s death, but I want to scream, “This is MY MOM,” not some distant friend or relative. My spouse says I shouldn’t stress and that all we need is each other (said by someone who has a huge, loving family whereas my family is just me and my dad).
How do I deal with my feelings of resentment, abandonment and being a low priority? — LAST ONE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LAST ONE: Your spouse is right. In the final analysis, all you need is each other — though a few supportive friends would certainly be welcome. I have always said that funerals are for the living, not the deceased. Be grateful for the support you are receiving from the people who accepted the invitation to your mother’s funeral. They are your core support group; the others are mere acquaintances, so start thinking of them in those terms.
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DEAR ABBY: I rent a two-bedroom apartment, which I shared with my best friend. When he moved away last month due to a work relocation, I advertised the room, and a couple moved in. They are friendly and pay their rent on time, but their cooking produces extremely strong smells that I cannot tolerate.
My medication causes hypersensitivity to odors, and I can no longer stand to be in the kitchen because the smells linger. They also live on a very different schedule from me. As a result, my diet and sleep are both suffering. They remain unaware of how the adjustment has affected me because I don’t feel they are doing anything wrong.
I would like to move out into a studio of my own. The lease on this apartment is currently a month-to-month, so the only thing keeping me here is the guilt I feel about burdening my roommates with this.
They will have to move out, find a replacement for me or take on the full rent themselves. I want to do right by them, but I know it would be best for me to leave. What is the proper course of action here? — DOOMED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR DOOMED: There is no reason why you should feel guilty for leveling with this couple; your health must come first. Explain the problem to them and tell them that while you like them personally, your health is being affected by the cooking odors.
Tell them that because you are now on a month-to-month lease, you plan to move to a smaller place of your own and give them the option of staying or moving. Consider this a first step in learning to stand up for yourself.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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