DEAR ABBY: I had my DNA analyzed and subsequently received a message from a young woman (a stranger) on the site. Her DNA matches at the level of a niece. Her message said she did not know her father, and her mother hasn’t been clear on that subject. Her mother “met a guy” back in early 1990. She was born later that year. She believes I’m her uncle and asked if I know any male relatives who could be her father. I responded, letting her know I’d get back to her.
When I spoke with my brother, he corroborated details in her message about meeting her mother, which was a hookup. The news of a daughter he never knew about is overwhelming for him as he currently has a kid, and his wife is pregnant again. (He also has an adult daughter from a previous marriage.) I have not yet responded to this woman as I await my brother’s decision about how he wants to proceed. What advice do you have about how I should respond to my “niece”? — MAYBE UNCLE IN TEXAS
DEAR MAYBE UNCLE: You should not be the middleman from now on. Respond to the young woman by telling her you are giving her contact information to your brother. Once you have done that, you should let him decide how to handle it from there.
DEAR ABBY: I have a persecution complex. I know where it comes from. My mother repeatedly told me how ugly I was as a child. Recently, I was going through some rough times. My sister, who I was in charge of, had a massive stroke and subsequently died. I’d had to take care of her, and I resented it. When she had the stroke, I began reminiscing, and not all of the memories were good ones.
I happened upon a picture of my family taken when I was 10. My older sisters and parents were also in the photo. When I showed the photo to my friend, her reaction left me speechless. She practically threw the phone down and said, “What an ugly family! Your mother is ugly and fat, and your father is ugly, too!” She continued with more of the same. Other than that, she’s a kind and giving friend.
I can’t get over what she said because I know I’m ugly and I hate being so. But if we were so offensive, why would she be friends with me? We are now in our 60s, so “beauty” is in the rear window. But how do I deal with her when she asks why I have become so remote without putting myself down further? — TAKEN ABACK IN FLORIDA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Excuse me, but “kind and giving” people do not make nasty comments about their friend’s relatives’ physical appearance. What she did was off-the-charts unpleasant, and your reaction is normal. If your “friend” asks why you have been remote lately, tell her how shocked you were by her hurtful comments about the family picture. Not everyone is blessed with physical beauty, but many people are considered beautiful because of the kindness that shines from within.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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