DEAR ABBY: I am estranged from my father and have been since I was 12. (I’m currently 26.) He was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive to me, and cutting ties with him has been good for my well-being.
My mom recently revealed to me that she has reconnected with him and they are dating again. This is infuriating, and I have been vocal about my disapproval of their relationship. She is convinced I am making the problem much bigger than it has to be, says it shouldn’t affect me and assures me I won’t have to see him.
I can’t tell her what to do, but she can’t tell me how to feel. Today, over the phone, I told her that I’m feeling resentful. After I said it, she started crying, hung up on me and turned her phone off. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but I had to speak my truth.
I don’t want to lose my relationship with my mom, but I feel so hurt and unseen that I’m not sure how to get past it. It’s hard to have a conversation with her even about the weather without thinking in the back of my mind that she is attracted to someone who hurt me intentionally.
I want a magic solution to my problems, which I know doesn’t exist. I’m at my lowest point and I really need some guidance. Please help me navigate this crisis. — EMOTIONAL IN NEBRASKA
DEAR EMOTIONAL: Did your father abuse your mother as he did you? I’m sorry you didn’t reveal that in your letter. It’s a mother’s duty to protect her child, and she and your father did eventually separate.
At this point, you are no longer a child. You are now an adult with the ability to protect yourself from anyone who tries to abuse you. You cannot prevent your mother from trying to find happiness, regardless of whether you (or I) think she’s making a mistake. By the way, there is no guarantee that her reunion will be a lasting one.
There’s a price we pay for any decision we make. The price your mother may pay is that she’ll see much less of her offspring. As for you, it may take some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist to emotionally separate from both of your parents and heal. (You should have had therapy after the abuse you suffered when you were younger.)
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DEAR ABBY: My husband met a couple with whom he wanted to socialize. He’s an extrovert. I’m an introvert. We started spending time with them, but I have never liked them. They are loud, argue constantly and talk over everyone else. I get seriously triggered by their behavior. They drink too much, and the man either passes out on our couch or makes a fool of himself in public.
The problem is my husband still likes socializing with them. I’m fine with him seeing them by himself, but he’s unhappy I won’t go. This couple know how I feel and they keep inviting me. What do I do to meet both my husband’s and my own needs? — DOWNER IN THE EAST
DEAR DOWNER: You do not have to be available whenever they snap their fingers. What you do to meet your needs (as well as your husband’s) is see this obnoxious couple less often than he does.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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