DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend passed away 15 months ago. I have been devastated ever since. He was my best friend, and I’m having a hard time letting go. He said he would love me even in death, and when he died, he took a large piece of my heart with him. I know I’m depressed. How do you move on without your best friend? — HURTING HEART IN GEORGIA
DEAR HURTING HEART: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your boyfriend. Moving on (if that’s what one would call it) doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in stages — two steps forward, one step back — until we become accustomed to the pain.
Your love for each other won’t fade. Your boyfriend will be in your heart as often as you need him. BUT, at some point, you will be able to move forward and perhaps find love again, if that’s what you wish for. If you haven’t had grief counseling, the time has come for you to join a support group or consult an individual therapist. Both can be very helpful.
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DEAR ABBY: My daughter, “Aline,” 40, has gone from crisis to crisis since childhood. She can go from kind and generous one minute to vindictive and mean the next. She’s easily triggered into rants, hurling the most hurtful words she can come up with. Men move in and out of her life on a regular basis.
I’m sure Aline would qualify as mentally ill, but she insists she’s too smart to go to therapy — she knows more than they do. I have become exhausted dealing with her. She believes everything is my fault. I’d walk away if I could.
Aline has three children, 11, 17, and 25. She treats them like possessions and makes grand promises one day and reverses herself the next day, declaring them “unworthy.” The eldest moved out at 18 and has never looked back. He has had a difficult time due to the emotional damage his mother inflicted on him, but now he’s in a stable situation thanks to support from me and his uncle.
My concern at this point is with the younger two. All I can offer them is emotional support, but they are suffering. Because the abuse is not physical, there seems to be little else I can do. Any suggestions on how to help me, and them, deal with this? — GRANDMA PROTECTOR
DEAR PROTECTOR: Your daughter’s middle child will be 18 in less than a year. Could that grandchild live with you or their adult sibling until they figure out what they want to do about the rest of their education or future employment?
As for the youngest, is their father in the picture? I agree their current living situation isn’t emotionally healthy, but the question is how involved he is willing to be. Depending on how disturbed your daughter is, custody of the 11-year-old may be transferable. A discussion with a family law lawyer may help you resolve this.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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