DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for many years and have raised wonderful children. We have close friends, a beautiful home and, thankfully, our health. She’s my best friend, and the light and love of my life. We are, and have always been, happy together.
However, my wife is also a narcissist from a long line of narcissists. There’s no doubt that her belittling and dismissive behavior toward me is unintentional, but it is hurtful nonetheless. I have told her it’s demeaning, and I have tried to get her to modify her behavior by pointing out how it affects me.
She promises to be more aware but doesn’t appear to take my concerns to heart. None of the incidents are particularly serious, but the frequency with which they happen has taken its toll on me. I typically try not to react, but I’m not as successful at it as I’d like to be. I feel terrible after making her feel bad. I continue to dwell on it while she goes on in her innocent way.
This all has been going on for so long, and we are so old, that it’s unlikely to change, but I’m always optimistic. Hope springs eternal, but we are in the late fall of our lives. Your insight would prove helpful. Grin and bear it? — SAME OLD, SAME OLD IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR SAME OLD: I am sorry you didn’t write me years or decades ago. You and your wife appear to have the trappings of a happy marriage, but how happy can you really be with a “wife and best friend” who constantly snipes at or undercuts you?
My insight is this: You can’t change another adult’s behavior. Your wife won’t curb this bad habit until she’s forced to do so. Draw the line. Tell her you will no longer accept what she has been doing and that you are going to consult a marriage and family therapist. (Licensed, of course. Your doctor can refer you.) Invite her to come with you if she sincerely wants to change, but if she refuses, go without her because it will be enlightening.
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married to my wife for decades, but something has me really frustrated. No matter how stressful her day may have been — family, politics, money — my wife can fall asleep the minute her head hits the pillow. I am the total opposite. I end up not sleeping because I don’t understand how anyone can be genuinely distressed and so easily fall asleep. Any advice? — SLEEPLESS IN THE SUBURBS
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Your wife is lucky. She’s able to disconnect her mind from stress and get the sleep she needs to function well the next day. Because you have sleep difficulties, discuss this with your doctor. Much has been written about the inability to fall asleep. Some people are advised to stop using electronic devices for an hour or so before bedtime. Others avoid eating a heavy meal.
Go online and do a little research. If, however, that doesn’t help, your doctor can refer you to a sleep disorder specialist, to learn techniques so you can similarly disconnect from stress.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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