Kind words can go a long way, but when it comes to dating, not every compliment is sincere — sometimes it’s a red flag.
A new survey by Hily dating app found that more than half of young American women believe that too many compliments early on feels like a red flag.
Half of the women surveyed admitted that they’ve brushed off a compliment on a date because it made them feel uncomfortable. Even with positive intentions, a flattering remark can come off as wrong if it feels too personal or objectifying too soon.
“Compliments can feel like a red flag early on because you haven’t had the time to fully see each other yet. When the praise comes on too strong or too fast, it can feel more like projection than truth,” Julie Nguyen, certified dating coach at Hily, told The Post.
What’s meant to be romantic can often come off as rehearsed, strategic or excessive, especially when the connection hasn’t had time to naturally flourish, and many on social media have classified this behavior as classic love-bombing.
One Reddit user shared that she had only been talking to a guy for one day, and in that time, he already complimented her eyes, called her pretty, and commented on her wit, which she said made her self-conscious.
“I’ve been chatting with this guy since only yesterday. We got along really well, so we ended up talking for a few hours, but he seemed to get more intense over time,” the person wrote. “[He] mentioned that he loves how we already have an inside joke, and ended with saying that again, he already likes me.
“It always fit in the context, but I’ve been growing uncomfortable. I said something polite back to the first two remarks, but since then I’ve been completely ignoring the compliments, hoping he’d get the hint. He didn’t,” they continued. “At this point, I want to tell him to slow down, but now I’m thinking: could this be a red flag?”
To many, receiving too many compliments too soon is a sign of ulterior motives, and 73% of women and 44% of men see it as a way to speed up intimacy and get them into bed, acting as a form of pressure instead of interest.
However, the compliment gap is wide between women and men, with just 28% of men saying that too many compliments early on is a red flag. According to the survey, only 11% of women said they’re generally comfortable receiving compliments early on in dating, while 24% of men agreed.
“Women are especially sensitive to love-bombing, where flattery is used to accelerate an emotional connection that may not be there,” Nguyen explained.
In the Reddit forum r/OnlineDating, someone noted that one of their biggest red flags in dating is back-to-back compliments within the first few messages, saying that it “comes off as disingenuous.”
Someone added that people who dish out compliments early on have no way of knowing if it’s true, making them distrust what the person says in general.
“We’ve messaged for 10 minutes, you have no idea if I’m a good mom or friend, if I’m kind or a complete a–hole, or literally anything else about me,” the user wrote. “I want to date/f–k someone where I can trust they mean what they say and not assume they’re buttering me up so they can f–k me.”
Nguyen echoed this sentiment.
“There’s a difference between being recognized for who you actually are and being perceived as a fantasy. When it’s the latter, it can feel uncomfortable and a bit disorienting,” she explained.
“When compliments are over the top in the early stages of dating, it can feel like someone is trying to create artificial intimacy instead of letting it build naturally. That can create a sense of unease, where the connection doesn’t feel fully genuine because the intention behind it doesn’t feel true,” Nguyen added.
The most unwanted compliment, according to the survey, is one that compares them to someone’s ex. This is true for both women (79%) and men (54%) — and being compared to an ex while on a date gives 87% of women and 71% of men “the ick.”
Nguyen noted that these comments “can feel unsettling, like you’re not allowed to exist in your own story.”
Comments with sexual innuendos or suggestive undertones were the second most unwanted compliment for women surveyed, and receiving any sexualized compliment was highly regarded as reason enough to ghost someone, most women (77%) said.
The gender gap for compliments with sexual undertones was large, with only 17% of men saying those kinds of comments are unwanted.
More than half of women weren’t fond of receiving compliments about their body or specific body parts, such as “your body is amazing,” and half said being called “sexy” or “hot” early on isn’t a welcome compliment. Meanwhile, only 15% and 17% of men surveyed, respectively, didn’t like these kinds of compliments.
Especially on dating apps, a majority of women (72%) said they have received compliments that felt more inappropriate than flattering — compared to just 12% of men. Even so, 76% of men and 56% of women admitted that they use compliments on the apps to break the ice.
Of those surveyed, 72% of women said they would feel more comfortable receiving compliments about their personality rather than their appearance.
Another red flag compliment for women (43%) — and some men (26%) — included those who assume emotional closeness too early in the relationship. For example, someone saying that they “feel such a deep connection already.”
Nguyen noted that any comment that creates a sense of emotional obligation — like “you’re the only one who gets me” — may sound flattering, but they “often signal projection, emotional fast-tracking and an attempt to anchor a connection before it’s actually been built.”
Compliments along the lines of “you’re not like other girls/guys” raise alarm bells, too, for 42% of women and 23% of men. While it’s not as objectifying or unwanted as the sexual comments, it can still feel like too much, too soon.
Compliments like “you’re perfect” or comments that offer big plans and promises early on blur into future faking or over-idealization and should also ring alarm bells, Nguyen said, adding that “You’re so amazing, I can’t believe you’re single” can also feel unearned and overly romanticized.
“That kind of compliment can feel like it could be said to anyone, rather than something that’s truly about you.”
That’s not to say compliments won’t be appreciated when offered, Nguyen noted.
“People still want compliments and words of affirmation, but they’re more aware and thoughtful of the intention behind them,” she added.
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