Who says you can’t have your nest and leave it too?
A divorced couple in Washington state is going viral for their unconventional — and surprisingly harmonious — custody arrangement known as “birdnesting.”
Devin Justine and Brendan Cleary, both 33, decided to end their eight-year marriage when Justine was six months pregnant with their second child.
Despite the heartbreak, they agreed on one thing: the kids should come first.
“I came to Brendan and I said, ‘I hate you right now, but we need to put our heads together and think outside of the box on how we’re going to make this work for our kids,’” Justine told Today.com. Cleary was “100% on board.”
Their solution? Let the kids stay put in the family home while the parents rotate in and out — much like birds returning to the nest.
When Cleary, a firefighter, is on duty or off-nest, he sleeps at the station. Justine stays with her parents nearby.
They’re currently building a garage apartment so they can continue taking turns on the same property — no suitcases or back-and-forth shuffling for the kids.
“I’m a product of divorce. I spent my life living out of a suitcase, and there was no way we could ask our kids to do the same,” said Justine. “Kids want to sleep in the same bed every night.”
The nesting approach may not be new, but it’s gaining traction among co-parents looking to limit the emotional whiplash for kids post-divorce.
“There’s little disruption for the kids. They’re not being affected [environmentally] by the fact that their parents are separating,” Sherri Sharma, a partner at Aronson, Mayefsky & Sloan, LLP, a Manhattan matrimonial law firm, told NBC News.
She noted that many nesting parents share a small off-site apartment to swap between stints in the marital home. But this isn’t a forever fix, the pro warned.
“I’ve never seen ‘nesting’ go on forever,” Sharma said. “A few months is okay but for longer periods (beyond six months), I think the uncertainty of not knowing what it will really be like to have separate homes can be confusing or anxiety-[inducing] for children.”
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, agreed, capping a successful nesting phase at three months max.
“The shock of the painful news to the children is softened by a brief transitional period in which the kids’ environmental surroundings remain the same and the only change is the presence of one parent or the other,” Walfish said to the outlet.
He added that “any longer” risks “giving your children an inaccurate message that [the parents] are working on reconciliation.”
Celeste Viciere, a licensed mental health clinician, sees value in nesting — to a point.
“Having the children live in the same house that is familiar to them can be beneficial because it’s easier to stay in the same school and keep the same friend group,” Vicere also told the site.
“Another upside to nesting is that kids don’t have to lug their belongings back and forth between two places,” she continued.
But she also warned of emotional pitfalls: “Children may struggle with having amazing family memories in the house but feel unable to share them together anymore. It could also lead to a false sense of reality where they become hopeful that their parents could get back together.”
Shelley A. Senterfitt, a former family lawyer turned therapist, told the network that shared living arrangements can lead to resentment over everyday things — like one parent using up household items without replacing them.
Still, she noted, some short-term nesting setups do work.
“The only instances I am aware of in which parents have made nesting work is when it is done on a very time-limited basis… and when the parents have had a very amicable divorce,” she said.
Despite the risks, Justine and Cleary said they’re making it work through open communication and firm boundaries.
“We didn’t have that [respect] when we were married, but we have it now,” Justine said to Today. “We’ve come together for our kids.”
And experts agree: however parents choose to split, they should always put their children first.
“Regardless of how you choose to divorce, being mindful of the potential effects to your kids is crucial,” said Viciere.
“Kids tend to already have an idea of what’s going on… Allow them to ask questions and have conversations around how they feel about what’s taking place.”
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