As a high-performance coach and organizational psychologist, I’ve seen all kinds of workplace dynamics.
But one of the most unsettling is successful women tearing down other women.
It’s corrosive, often subtle, and incredibly damaging. Ask women who’ve been on the receiving end of female bullying how it felt, and the response is often the same – “sucker punched”, “blindsided” and “sideswiped”.
They never saw it coming.
Toxic friendships, particularly between women, are more common than we realize. And here’s the kicker – when female friendships go south, they often come with emotional complexities that make them harder to escape. That’s because we’re wired for connection.
We expect kindness and camaraderie from other women. So, when betrayal creeps in, it feels worse than when it comes from, say, an acquaintance or even a romantic partner. The emotional toll runs deep because we don’t expect it from another woman – we’re sisters after all.
So why is it that sisterhood can sour so quickly? Anthropologists and psychologists have long studied female relational aggression, and some research suggests that competition among women can be traced back to evolutionary instincts, territorial disputes, social hierarchy struggles, and even subtle forms of sabotage. Regardless of whether the toxicity stems from deep evolutionary instincts or just personal baggage, staying in a harmful friendship isn’t recommended – it’s harmful.
If you’ve reached the point where the relationship is taking more than it’s giving, it’s time to step back. Here’s how:
• Acknowledge the reality – If a friendship consistently leaves you feeling stressed or drained, that’s a sign it’s no longer serving you. If it’s a workplace situation don’t explain what’s happening away. Face what’s going on. Identify the type of toxicity it is – are they being disrespectful or something more sinister like frequent and repetitive bullying?
• Choose your approach – Some friendships require a direct break-up conversation. Others benefit from gradual distancing. If it’s a workplace relationship gone wrong, approach it strategically – consult with a mentor, or if necessary, HR if safe to do so.
• Set clear boundaries – If you decide to talk it out, be firm and honest: “I don’t feel our friendship is healthy for me anymore, and I need to step away.”
At work it might not be so cut and dry, especially if it’s a peer or your boss. I would advise getting support to come up with a strategy that maintains your sanity and doesn’t end your career. Often when a woman outs another woman it is a career limiting move to call it out. Figure out how much support you will receive from your workplace and whether it is worth the risk.
Maintain professionalism at all times.
• Bury your guilt – Prioritizing your peace isn’t selfish. If leaving a toxic friendship means walking away from a job, a social circle, or an environment that no longer serves you, so be it. At work, it’s the same deal but it needs to be managed differently. If you have to leave the organization because you can’t see a constructive way to remove yourself from the toxic colleague’s firing line, get out before you lose your confidence and strength to pursue better professional opportunities.
Ending a toxic friendship isn’t an act of cruelty, it’s an act of self-preservation. And when you finally step away, you create space for friendships that feel lighter, genuine, and mutually uplifting.
So, here’s your reminder. You get to decide the terms of your relationships. You hold the power. You write the script.
Vanessa Vershaw is the author of The Sisterhood Paradox: The Psychology of Female Aggression at Work (Publish Central $34.95). She is an elite high-performance workplace psychologist and trusted adviser to executives and key decision-makers of ASX-20 and Fortune 100 companies globally. Find out more at www.vanessavershaw.com/
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