Sticks and stones can hurt — but the wrong words can blow up your marriage before you can spit out, “You’re overreacting.”
The good news? There’s a four-word phrase that can supposedly stop a fight before it starts — or keep you from snapping at your sweetie.
According to writer Rachel Bowie, the lifesaver that can stop your love life from flatlining is as follows: “Always assume good intentions.”
“The reason this phrase works when your spouse is driving you crazy is kinda obvious,” Bowie wrote in an essay for PureWow.
“The act of assuming good intentions serves as a reminder that we are, in fact, in tricky situations together, allowing us to reframe a messy moment and reminding me to pause, back up and put myself in my spouse’s shoes,” she wrote.
She suggested thinking, “‘OK, before I blow my lid off, perhaps there’s more to the story here? Maybe it was a hard afternoon. Maybe the baby started crying halfway into a game of Trouble. Maybe my husband deserves a bit of grace.’”
Bowie admits she’s tested it in real life — and it works.
“It’s not about avoiding conflict or conversation around tougher topics (it was irritating that our home was a mess and that I stepped on two Yahtzee dice).”
“It’s more about making room for productive and thoughtful conversation, reducing conflict and achieving an improved way forward together. My husband and I have come to rely on the phrase in matters large and small.”
It’s even a two-way street. “And spoiler: It helps him not get mad at me too,” she added.
“Like when I forgot to book a day camp only to find out the night before that it was sold out. Instead of freaking out, he put himself in my shoes. Life has been crazy busy, this detail fell through the cracks. We unified as a team. And yes, we did split the childcare the next day.”
While this phrase can help avoid conflict — others might cause it.
As previously reported by The Post, psychologist and author Jeffrey Bernstein warns that certain phrases are “toxic” to relationships.
“When we first meet, and during the embryonic stages of loving relationships, we tend to be on our best behavior,” he wrote for Psychology Today.
“Yet, way too often, over time, we let down our guard and allow ourselves to respond to our partners in ways that don’t feel good.”
The repeat offenders? “You’re overreacting,” “It’s no big deal,” and “You’re too sensitive.”
Even if you’re trying to calm things down, Bernstein says such responses “can feel dismissive and lead to your partner feeling judged.” Keep it up, and your relationship is likely “doomed to fail.”
Bottom line: Skip the dismissive zingers, ditch the scorekeeping, and avoid the silent treatment.
In the heat of an argument, four little words — “Always assume good intentions” — just might save your sanity… and your marriage.
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