DEAR ABBY: I live in a very small town. My husband died a year ago and, since then, I have felt like some of these people are angry with me. Six months after he died, I had what my therapist called a “nervous breakdown.” I know I wasn’t myself for some time, and I can’t remember much of what I did or said. I have been told I said things to close friends that were unkind and even swore at them. This happened over, maybe, a three-day period.
My friends won’t tell me what I said. I belong to a card club with these women, and I guess I swore at them and said or did some things that were awful. I haven’t been able to express my sorrow for it. I have tried, but no one will tell me what happened. They tell other people, and those people haven’t been friendly since then, either. I was kicked out of the club and told I would not be allowed back in.
Can you give me some idea of what I can do to make my friends want to be with me again? I’m miserable and need help. — OUTCAST IN IOWA
DEAR OUTCAST: I am sure you are miserable. The women in that social group turned their backs on you. Were any of them ever told that you had a psychological break after your husband died and you were under the care of a psychotherapist? If they knew and cannot understand and forgive your outburst, shame on them.
Because you can’t force anyone to cut you some slack and be kind enough to explain what it was you were saying when you weren’t yourself, you will have to look elsewhere for friendship. A discussion with your religious adviser in that small town might be a place to start.
P.S. I wonder if what you said to those ladies when you were “not yourself” was true, which is why they aren’t speaking to you.
DEAR ABBY: A co-worker of mine is always bashing teachers, mostly about salaries and summers off. If her daughter has to stay after school to get caught up on assignments, it is invariably the teacher’s fault. My husband is a retired teacher. He knows that student success is a triangle of teachers, students and parents working together.
I know her complaints are not directed at my husband, but I bristle every time I hear them from her. When we moved here for his job 25 years ago, his starting salary was barely above poverty level. Her father was a state legislator who not once voted for teachers. When she speaks, I imagine I am hearing him. Her husband is a former law enforcement officer, and I would never dream of bashing his profession day in and day out. How can I get a word in edgewise and what should it be? –– WONDERING UP NORTH
DEAR WONDERING: The next time your co-worker starts in, summon up the backbone to tell her how hard your husband worked for low pay, trying to cram an education into the heads of mostly disinterested students, and how her comments affect you. Say it with feeling, and perhaps she will think twice before opening her mouth on that subject with you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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