DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband two months ago after a long, debilitating illness. I loved him very much, and the loss was very difficult, although not unexpected.
After his funeral, an old friend called me offering condolences. He had lost his wife last year after a long illness, and he understood what I had been through. We both had lost spouses after marriages that had lasted 50 years. We remain in touch and would like to start dating. On one hand, I feel I gave my husband everything I had to give while he was alive. On the other hand, I don’t want to be disrespectful to him, my children and my husband’s family. Is it too soon? — READY NOW IN TEXAS
DEAR READY: While there is no strict timetable for grieving, and you may have started processing your loss before your husband’s actual death, I do think that after only two months you may be jumping the gun a bit. Take as much time as you need to get to know your old friend again. There’s nothing shameful about being seen with someone who is offering condolences and emotional support. In another six to nine months, his presence will no longer shock those who love you and would like to see you happy.
DEAR ABBY: My sons are married and live quite a distance from me. I try to visit several times a year because I want to see my grandchildren as often as I can. Sometimes I stay with them; other times I rent an Airbnb. The problem is that I am a neat-nut. When I’m at their house, I empty full sinks of dishes, clean bathrooms, sweep floors, polish mirrors/windows, dust furniture, etc. I’ll even do laundry if they want.
I do ask if they mind if I clean up a bit, as they all work and have little time for this. They usually say “Sure!” But lately I’m feeling they regard this like I think they’re dirty, and they say that cleanliness is not a priority in their lives. OK, I get it. I have decided to stop this activity when I’m there. Am I wrong to want to help out? Just wondering if I’m out of line here. Does anyone else do this? — NEAT IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR NEAT: Because you are being told that cleanliness is not a priority in their lives, it seems your efforts may not be appreciated. Yes, some other people do what you have been doing. (These folks have also been known to rearrange the furniture in other people’s homes without being asked to do so.) Is being helpful under these circumstances the right thing to do? I don’t think so. In fact, it could be considered obsessive-compulsive.
TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE ROSH HASHANA: Tonight, at sundown, the Jewish New Year begins. During this time of solemn introspection, I wish my Jewish readers “L’shana tova tikatevu” — may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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