DEAR ABBY: I have a longtime friend, “Laurie,” who is single. Most of the relationships she gets into are with men who are in relationships already. She often suggests that my husband and I and she get together to hang out, but I discourage it because I don’t trust her completely. (I do trust my husband.)
Laurie and I have been there for each other during difficult times, but I struggle a lot with the fact that she has relationships with married men or men who are in other committed relationships. I have been tempted to tell the partners of these men, but I stay in my lane and mind my own business. It eats away at me sometimes, and I feel like I need to end the friendship. Then I feel like friends should be there through thick and thin. Can you give me some guidance? — UNEASY IN THE EAST
DEAR UNEASY: Your friend Laurie has boundary problems when it comes to men, which she has shown you repeatedly. Because you are not comfortable with the idea of you, your husband and Laurie socializing together, listen to your intuition and refrain from arranging it. Because you disapprove of her lifestyle to the extent that you are thinking of ending the relationship you have with her, tell her how you feel. She needs to hear it.
DEAR ABBY: Every year like clockwork, we receive a holiday card from friends, which the wife addresses only to my husband. It is always a jolly card filled with their family adventures and achievements for the year, and it invariably leaves me wondering why she thinks it’s OK to leave me off the envelope. My husband and I have been together for more than 20 years. She knows I exist. We have met. I went to her wedding. Our husbands are dear friends.
Last year, my husband finally mentioned to his friend how much it hurts my feelings to be left off the card. He seemed surprised his wife did that, but said he’d fix it before the next cards went out. I was excited at the thought of her changing her rude ways when their next card arrived. But, like every year before, I was left out again.
This really bothers me. I have felt left out enough times in my life, and it stings at the core. I feel like she is a grown-up mean girl, and I can’t figure out why she would intentionally not include me. Part of me wants to send a card to everyone in her family and leave her name off. What do you think? — LEFT OFF IN WYOMING
DEAR LEFT OFF: I think that, because expecting your husband to intercede for you didn’t work, it’s time to pick up the phone. Tell this clueless woman your first (and last) name and ask her why she seems unable to address her greeting cards so they include you as well as your spouse. If, after that, she continues to “forget,” you will know beyond a doubt that she’s not only clueless but classless, and avoid whatever exposure you must have with her as often as possible.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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