DEAR ABBY: I’ve been happily married for 31 years. I love my wife, but we are now more like roommates or friends than the lovers we were initially. We are also not soulmates. We both agree that few couples are.
But I met my soulmate three years ago. The initial chemistry was amazing, and we have been “dating” ever since. I put “dating” in quotes because nothing physical has happened, not even holding hands. But we have intense primal eye contact and amazing discussions. We can talk for hours, well past when it is time to leave. I have never experienced a friendship like this. I know it is not infatuation or a midlife crisis. The chemistry is there. I have never cheated on my wife, and I don’t want to. It’s not who I am. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But something has to give.
The ethical answer, of course, is to maintain the status quo, but I’m not convinced that maximizes happiness for all parties, and certainly not for me. At 60, I know I will feel intense regret if I let my soulmate go, and likewise if I leave my wife. I live with the torture of this dilemma every day. Do you have any insight? — PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: I am sorry you didn’t mention whether your “soulmate” is also married, or how she feels about you. How does your wife feel about the fact that you are having these intense, hourslong conversations with another woman? Does she even know?
You stated that you are happily married and love your wife. A logical way to figure out what you want for your future would be to ask your wife to join you in consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you figure out how (and whether) you can rekindle what originally brought you two together.
DEAR ABBY: Our 40-year-old son has become a full-fledged narcissist and blames us (his sister, her husband, my husband and me) for a family schism that has gone on for two years. He tells lies about us and keeps us from our granddaughter. Any attempt to contact him has been met with venomous, foul-mouthed texts in return.
Our son went through a nasty divorce and horrible custody proceeding, but we did our best to support him financially and emotionally during that time. He is now supposedly happily remarried, but he continues to deny us access to his daughter. We are heartbroken. This is not the way we raised him. Any suggestions? — BAFFLED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR BAFFLED: You stated that your son is “supposedly happily remarried.” Could his new wife have had something to do with this schism? Unless your son had a psychotic break after his divorce and, in his delusions, thinks you, your husband, his sister and her husband are to blame for everything going wrong, something has definitely changed. Family counseling might help to heal the breach, but only if he agrees there is a need for it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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