DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mom invited all of my family on an international trip during the month of October. One year ago, my sister called me asking if I could “cover some things” for her. When I agreed and asked why, she said she and our parents were going on the international trip four months early. I was shocked.
No one had said the departure date was being moved up. When I asked my other sister about it, she was also still under the impression we were going in October. When I brought it up to my mom, she got very defensive and said we were all invited to come. No, we were not! The plans changed, and only one sister and her family were included.
They are on the trip now, and I don’t want any part of it. They are posting pictures to our family group chat, and I have decided not to look at them. I’m not sure how to move forward from here. I’m sad and frustrated over this, while they are pretending everything is fine. — LEFT BEHIND IN COLORADO
DEAR LEFT: When your mother and sister return from that trip, there needs to be a frank “family discussion” about what went wrong and why neither felt it was necessary to inform you that you and your other sister were excluded and why. Pretending something that happened never happened never works out, and if it isn’t repaired, the fallout can be long-lasting.
DEAR ABBY: My son is a loving husband, father, and son. He coaches his 12-year-old son, my grandson, in various sports and sometimes is just a spectator. I’m worried because he often berates his son’s playing ability. He has yelled at him during and after games, whether he is coaching or not. He yelled and screamed at him in front of everyone and later at home.
I have told my son, to no avail, that it’s OK to give constructive criticism but without the yelling. I have also told him how it crushes my grandson each time he does this. My daughter-in-law is also at a loss for how to change his behavior.
My husband coached my son in sports when he was young, and he was hard on him, too. I love my family dearly, but I don’t know what to do in this situation. Abby, what do you think we should do? — ‘HEARTACHING’ GRANDMA IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GRANDMA: Your son may be a loving husband, but he could use some coaching as a father. Someone should point out to him that when a parent bullies a child about his poor athletic performance, it rarely produces a positive result. It makes him lose interest in the sport and damages the youth’s self-esteem, and the effects can sometimes last a lifetime.
After your grandson has had enough of the verbal abuse, don’t be shocked if he drops out of the sport. Your son should have learned from the terrible example his own father set that this kind of “coaching” usually doesn’t produce the desired result. He should take out his aggression elsewhere.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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