DEAR ABBY: My father, who is retired, has always had a big heart and almost no regard for himself. Anytime he meets someone in a tough situation, he does whatever he can to make it easier, giving freely of his time and resources without asking for repayment.
This was a big problem when my parents were married because he kept giving away the grocery money or loaning our family car to people who didn’t return it, but at least he had an income back then.
Now Dad is living on a fixed income and needs to be careful if he’s going to make it to the end of the month.
Recently he shared that he’s been helping the family who lives upstairs, quietly giving them money for rent and groceries and once for a car repair.
He has been paying his own expenses with a credit card that is now maxed out, and he can’t make rent.
He doesn’t seem to understand that if he pays his neighbors’ rent, he will lose his own apartment. I can help him out this month, but I don’t know what to do for the long term.
If I give him money, he will give it away. We made him a budget that he ignores. He’s been to financial counseling many times.
It only helps until the next time he meets someone in need. He volunteers a lot at a homeless shelter, so he meets many people in need. I don’t want him to end up in the shelter too, but how do I help? — HELPING THE HELPER IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR HELPING: If you have an attorney who understands elder law, contact that person and explain your fears about what is going on. Your father may need a conservatorship to ensure that his rent is paid and his necessities are covered. If you could fill that role, it would be ideal. If you cannot, then someone may have to be appointed. For the reasons you mentioned, your father should no longer be left to his own devices.
DEAR ABBY: I am a member of a small group of women who have traveled together internationally in the last few years. One person in the group searches for accommodations (which she loves to do). Once we agree on the accommodations, this person books the reservations, and we each pay her our share of the lodging. We book our own flights individually.
I needed to back out of a recent trip due to illness and notified the group three months before the scheduled trip. When I asked the members of the group to refund me the money I had already paid toward accommodations and car rental (close to $800), they refused, saying their expenses were now more than they had planned and it was not their fault that I could not go on the trip. They had a difficult time understanding that I am now subsidizing their vacation and why I would want any money returned to me. Am I being greedy? — STAYING HOME IN THE EAST
DEAR STAYING: No, you are not being greedy. You are being taken advantage of, which means you need to give serious consideration to whether you ever want to travel with this bunch again. In the meantime, if you know of anyone who has the travel bug and $800, perhaps you can offer them as a substitute. That way, you get your money back, and the rest of the group gets their vacation without paying extra.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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