DEAR ABBY: Why do I feel the need to be in a relationship, but when I’m in one, I feel trapped, bored, disappointed and lonely? I’m a divorced single mom, co-parenting a child with my ex. We have been divorced for 15 years. My child is graduating from college this year.
I have often been told by past partners that I lacked the willingness or ability to emotionally connect with them. Because of this, the relationship lacked substance, and we ended up breaking up. When it happens, I feel devastated. Because I’m the reason it ended, my first reaction is to convince them to give me a second chance. Second chance leads to third chance, etc., but ultimately, the romance ends because the problem remains.
My last two relationships each lasted four years. Some of the criticisms included my not being interested in getting to know or becoming close to their kids and not showing vulnerability. This led to them doubting that I was truly interested in them and questioning my reasons for being with them.
From my perspective, I often feel tired of my life as a single mom, working full time, co-raising a child, etc. But there is a strong desire to have a male figure in my life to feel safe and secure. Recently, perimenopause symptoms have had a great impact on my life. This has been my relationship pattern. How do I break it? — LONELY IN THE WEST
DEAR LONELY: You have stated clearly what you want from a relationship, but you haven’t mentioned what you brought to those past relationships. You want safety and security. It’s possible those men sensed your lack of emotional involvement. The surest way to break this self-defeating pattern would be to talk with a licensed mental health professional about your priorities and how to form a meaningful, lasting relationship.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and live in a two-story house with a basement. While our home is beautifully designed and furnished, several areas need immediate attention with regard to aging and safety issues. Several small area rugs need securing, and safety rails need to be installed in two of the showers. Two bathtubs are no longer being used because of the inability to egress without some type of assistance. There is also no handrail on the basement steps.
My husband says it is “no big deal” to fix these issues, while I say it is a “big deal” that is crucial to aging in place and must be addressed immediately. We are both strongly averse to moving into a “God’s waiting room” facility and very much wish to age in place. What say you? Am I being finicky, or do these issues need immediate attention? — WANTS IT DONE IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR WANTS: What I say is that you are being prudent. Tell your procrastinating husband that foresight is better than 20/20 hindsight, so if he isn’t willing to start installing the safety devices, you are hiring someone to take care of it to ensure your safety.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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