DEAR ABBY: I recently reconnected with a woman I dated briefly in the 1980s and haven’t seen since. She’s around my age. We both were married one year apart, had daughters one year apart, and got divorced after 20-year marriages. She spotted me on a social media site and suggested I call her to “catch up on things,” which I did.
This led to an invitation to meet for a bite to eat and more talk, which I gladly accepted. We live two hours apart, and I drove to her home to meet her. We had a great day and evening, and, as I was leaving, I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, whereupon she planted one on me. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was awesome! I felt like a school kid with a crush. I had forgotten that feelings like this were even possible.
We have spent every weekend together since that meeting last month. I have a special place in my heart for her, even from so long ago. My problem: I said the “L-word” way too soon. I needed to rectify my misstep and explained it was intended to represent “caring and affection,” as opposed to being romantically “in love” with her, which, for me, is an ongoing, more protracted process (most of the time).
I told her I have no expectation of her reciprocating, and I just wanted her to know that I care for her and always have. I know some women (and maybe men) shudder at hearing these words too soon in a relationship; she may be one of them. Anything else I can do to lessen her trepidation as we progress? Is there any recommended time frame for appropriately professing one’s romantic love? — FORMER EX IN TEXAS
DEAR FORMER EX: I wish you had mentioned how this woman reacted when the word “love” escaped your lips. Did she smile? Cringe? Remain silent? There is no timetable for expressing love. The time to use the word is when one feels it. Sometimes the feeling lasts; sometimes it doesn’t. From now on, take your cues from her. If what you said made her uncomfortable, you would already know. Let your relationship progress at its own rate and resist the urge to force it.
DEAR ABBY: I live with a man I admire very much. We bought our first home when we were 23. We had two children together and also raised my sister. We both work and want for nothing.
The problem? He’s an alcoholic. He never gets loud or mean; he just quietly goes to sleep. From the outside, he looks like the greatest guy. But Abby, I am so lonely that I cry sometimes. He’s asleep by 2 or 3 p.m. on the weekends. We hardly ever go out. We are both 57, all the kids have moved out and we should be having fun. I want to travel, dance and hike. He’s happy getting drunk in the garage. Help! — LONESOME OUT WEST
DEAR LONESOME: Have you talked with him to see which issues have driven him to live this way? Nowhere in your letter did you indicate that you are actually married to this man. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, and you have paid your dues. If your dream is to dance and hike, get out there and do it.
Because “Rip Van Winkle” is passed out, it won’t be like you’re neglecting him, and he won’t miss you. Because you want to travel, arrange to do it with friends. And, since you didn’t indicate that you’re planning to end your relationship, consider attending Al-Anon meetings (al-anon.org/info) so you can find support and the strength to begin living your life the way you want, which is what he has been doing.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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