DEAR ABBY: I have been having a friend-with-benefits relationship with a man I’ll call “Gene.” We are both in our 70s. He lives an hour away, and we see each other once a month. Gene is married, but his wife is disabled, and their relationship has deteriorated. We used to work together, and he was very lonely when I met him. Gene feels responsible for his wife and will never leave her, which is fine with me. I am not interested in a full-time boyfriend.
My issue is, if my two adult children found out about this, they would be very judgmental. I know it would damage my relationship with them. On the other hand, I don’t want to live my life on their terms. What do you think of all this? — HAPPY, BUT WORRIED, IN FLORIDA
DEAR HAPPY: I think that at the age of 70 you are mature enough to make your own decisions. I also think that you need to be strong enough to defend them should the need arise. Because you are living in fear of their eventually finding out that you are happy with the relationship you have with Gene, it would be better for you to tell them yourself.
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I found out my adult child is transgender. Nobody knows yet except for me, my husband and my other child. Until this year, I have always worked in a very caring, loving and supportive environment. Recently, I overheard a new male co-worker say in a high-pitched voice, “I’m transgender! I’m transgender!” while spinning in circles and waving a scarf around his head. I was floored.
I wanted to say something to him about that being inappropriate and hurtful, but I was speechless. I have never before encountered this type of behavior. How do I handle this if something similar happens again? My child is not ready for the world to know, so I need to be careful. I’m kicking myself for not speaking up at the time. — REGRETFUL IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR REGRETFUL: It is unfortunate that transgender people (who make up less than 1% of the population) are being scapegoated by ignorant, ill-informed individuals. Gender identity disorder is not contagious. Trans people are a danger to no one, and they don’t deserve to be ridiculed. The next time this happens (and it may), don’t be shy about telling your co-worker that what he’s doing is inappropriate and hurtful and not to do it in front of you again.
DEAR ABBY: You have printed many letters from women living with deadbeat men. I wish you would write about the benefits of living alone and not needing a man in your life to feel complete. — ALONE AND CONTENT IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR A & C: Every letter I print regarding “deadbeat” men (and their female equivalents) is an object lesson in itself. The writers are overworked, frustrated and miserable. I can’t think of a stronger message to send readers than the ones in those letters, which speak for themselves. No man at all is better than one who is a user.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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