DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband was found dead in his home three months ago. He was a bitter man who never forgave me for leaving him. We were divorced for 30 years before his death and have two children and four beautiful grandchildren. For years, he bitterly complained to our children and refused to attend special events because I left him. When there were issues, he refused to help, insisting it was my fault because I had left.
The truth is, I left after I walked in on him having sex with my older sister. Neither of them saw me, and I never told him. Now he’s gone. My sister, who recently lost her husband, keeps talking to me about my ex-husband, saying how good-looking he was. It makes me sick.
I loved my husband when I left him, but I could never forgive him. I wish I had said something to him when he was alive, but it’s too late. Every time my sister speaks of him, I get so upset. I want to confront her about it but fear it would do more harm than good. His death has turned my world upside down. I am so confused. — HURT IN THE EAST
DEAR HURT: You should have told your ex the reason you left before you did it. I can’t imagine why you stayed silent. While some couples manage to move beyond infidelity, many do not, and you had a valid reason for divorcing him.
The next time your sister starts talking about how good-looking your ex was, do something you should have done decades ago. Tell her you have known for 30 years how attractive she found him because you walked in on them in flagrante, which is why you walked out. I see nothing to be gained by not speaking up at this point, except more pain and turmoil for yourself.
DEAR ABBY: Three decades ago, my husband and I were a military couple stationed overseas to a remote assignment. I was raped by a fellow officer, but I was too frightened to report it. I became pregnant, and to this day, I cannot truthfully say whether my child is my husband’s or a consequence of the rape.
I greatly love my precious son, but I have looked at him for 33 years praying he is the son of my wonderful husband. I finally shared the stress of my secret with a military doctor 10 years ago and was greatly helped by his response. Until now.
My son is interested in DNA tests, and I am terrified my secret will be exposed. I am unwilling to share this with my husband or my son. I don’t want my life to fall apart as I enter my 70th year and 37th year of marriage. Please advise. — ANONYMOUS WIFE AND MOTHER
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Ask your current physician for a confidential referral to a doctor with a specialty in DNA paternity. Consult the person, explain the circumstances and ask if it would be possible to submit samples of your husband’s and your son’s DNA for examination. Getting DNA can be as simple as collecting a toothbrush or an eating utensil the person has used.
If it turns out that your son is not your husband’s, I’m advising that you tell them both about what happened to you so they won’t wrongly conclude that you were unfaithful. What happened to you was not your fault.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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