The beginning of your love’s end starts with these seven words.
Relationships don’t usually end over one argument, yet there is one phrase that could be ruinous, according to one marriage expert in a column for CNBC.
When couples approach relationship psychologist Mark Travers about problems that stem from an argument, he finds that the root of the issue is not the fight itself, but rather the words they use during the argument.
And there’s one phrase that comes up often and can be more damaging than one may think: “Why can’t you be more like [insert another person’s name]?”
“If you use this toxic phrase, your relationship is in trouble,” Travers warned.
Uttered mid-argument, the perpetrator might consider it a “throwaway line” or a simple statement made out of annoyance.
And while the person named — whether that be an ex, a friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, or “how you used to be” — is irrelevant in the end, the message behind the question implies a different message: “You’re not enough, and someone else — anyone else — could do a better job at being my partner.”
Travers called this the “death-by-comparison effect,” noting that it can lead to insecurity and problems beyond repair.
“Rather than feeling loved for who they are, the person on the receiving end will start questioning their worth and constantly wonder if they’re living up to expectations,” he wrote.
He explained that relationships only flourish with proper communication and without shame or comparison, which is “why this phrase itself isn’t the real problem. It’s usually a symptom of a much deeper dysfunction: the fear of openly speaking up.”
“It’s not necessarily that they want a different partner; it’s that they don’t feel safe enough to voice their needs plainly,” Travers shared.
If someone feels secure and emotionally close to their partner, they’ll be able to communicate more directly and clearly.
Travers suggested that when one feels the urge to say “Why can’t you be more like…,” try saying: “I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.”
Another option is to say, “It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.”
Read the full article here
