Even in the healthiest of relationships, conflicts are bound to arise.
But how you deal with them speaks volumes about the strength of your bond.
Passive-aggressive phrases like “I guess I’ll just do all of the laundry this week” or “most people would be happy their partner does this” are prime examples of “dry begging,” a phenomenon that couples counselors, therapists and other mental health experts are starting to call out.
“Dry begging operates by exploiting social cues and emotional signals rather than making direct requests,” explains Darren Magee, an accredited UK-based counselor, in a YouTube video that has since amassed almost half a million views.
“It usually involves dropping hints, displaying some kind of need or vulnerability, or making emotional demonstrations,” Magee elaborates. “All of these are aimed at creating a sense of obligation in others.”
Whether the person dry-begging realizes it or not, the tactic creates a situation where the other party feels compelled to help or agree — essentially preying on empathy.
“The key to a healthy, long-term relationship is the ability of a couple to communicate and understand the other on a deeply vulnerable level where each person lets their guard down,” relationship therapist Hope Kelaher tells Brides.
“Taking a passive-aggressive stance is the exact opposite: In worst-case scenarios, I have seen it not only leads to communication breakdown, but to increased conflict, partner withdrawal, mistrust, confusion, poor self-esteem, and, in the worst cases, the end of a relationship.”
Though it’s not an expression you’ll find in psychology or counseling textbooks, it’s a surprisingly common move that you or your partner may not even realize you’re doing.
On a Reddit thread that broached the topic of the relatively new term, one user was shocked to find that dry begging is more common in relationships than many would assume.
“When I saw this a few days ago, my reaction was, ‘Wait, there’s a word for that?!?!’” they replied under the original post.
Magee suggests that while sometimes dry begging is unconscious behavior that stems from a fear of rejection or worries over coming across as a burden, it is also a tactic of emotional manipulation that narcissists often employ.
“Narcissists generally have a fragile self-image that they want to protect. Asking for help directly might make them look or feel vulnerable, weak or dependent. These are traits they might associate with inferiority.
“Dry begging allows them to hint at their needs without compromising their sense of superiority or self-sufficiency,” he adds.
That being said, in many relationships — whether they’re platonic, familial or romantic — people are unaware of their own red flags. Dry begging “is not always manipulative — it certainly can be — but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. First, look at what’s the intention, and is it a pattern,” Aerial Cetnar, a therapist and owner of Boulder Therapy and Wellness in Colorado, tells HuffPost.
“It’s common that people are not really taught how to ask for things in a way that’s really clear and direct,” Cetnar continues. “Sometimes they resort to dry begging because it feels like it’s a hint and they’d rather it be a hint that gets rejected than a clear ask to be rejected.”
Experts agree that when a pattern of manipulation arises, even if it seems as subtle as dry begging on occasion, it may be time to have an open conversation about the issue and seek help from a professional to resolve it.
Any pattern of behavior is difficult to break, but whether you or your partner is the dry beggar in question, experts advise, it’s an important step to recognize that people can’t read minds. Communication, in other words, is key.
Identifying the presence of dry begging in a relationship is only the first step to mending damage done by passive-aggressive manipulation. The Bay Area Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Center suggests engaging in a grounded, calm conversation that can prevent triggering a defensive reaction from either party — avoiding blame is important, according to experts at the center.
From there, Magee and Cetnar both emphasize that setting boundaries, engaging in direct communication, seeking personalized professional guidance, and, if necessary, evaluating the status of the relationship itself are excellent next steps to preventing future dry-begging incidents.
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